Palmer's Open Letter To Spiritual-Sister
by Micah Rodney
Summary: Earlier today user Spiritual-Sister decided to post a long, meandering "review" of one of my stories which was in fact an unsolicited bit proselytizing. Maybe this was just an attempt to open a dialogue about religion, so Palmer chose to respond to tell SS about the glorious religion that he has belonged to for many years - The Church of Bob. Yes, I know this is petty.


**Palmer's Letter To Spiritual Sister**

 _Author's Note: This is an open letter in response to Spiritual-Sister's comment on my story Shinra Inc And Twitter._

Palmer sits in his office, or rather his usual booth at the employee cafeteria where his laptop is permanently plugged in, and goes about reviewing the fan response to the barely fictionalized accounts of his day to day life. The serving girl asked him if he had anything better to do with his day, before realizing what a silly question that was and moving back behind the counter.

Palmer saw there was a new reply from a reader named Spiritual-Sister. Eager to see what manner of feedback his story would receive (on a story where he had mocked a particularly unpopular political despot) he was dismayed to see a long meandering and irrelevant post about religion.

The message read as follows:  
 _  
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" _For those who do not already know, we're living in the last days; the times Jesus Christ warned about. All the issues going on is on a worldwide scale and its one of many proofs that these are the end times._

 _If you know deep down in your heart this is true & you feel something is not right in the world... I highly encourage you to seek our father in heaven while he may be found and to come out of this world while there is still time. Like 1 John 2:17 indicates in the written word aka the bible:_

 _"The world and its desires pass away, but whoever does the will of God lives forever."_

 _Many people are too caught up and is focused on the wrong things in life thanks to all the distractions going on when they need to realize destruction & judgment is not too far away. Fleeing to other countries or protesting on the streets is not going to make things better or save you; it's the love of Christ and your faith._

 _As long as your seeking Jesus Christ, you're gonna be okay. But if you're loving this life or is just so attached to this world... you're going to lose it. That is why I encourage you all to draw close to the father in heaven. You draw close to him and he will draw close to you. Do what you can to repent (turn away or stop doing it) of your sins. We all say & do things and stumble since we're imperfect creatures but if you sincerely go to the father in prayer and ask for forgiveness, he will forgive you; you just gotta mean what you say and repent._

 _Nobody comes to the father but through the son. You deny the son and you deny the father. But if you accept the son then you have the father. It's by Jesus' blood we're redeemed back to the father in heaven so you want to seek him in all your ways._

 _The father in heaven knows the hearts & minds of all of us so he knows who you are deep down and what you've been through. He cares about you. When you open up your heart and allow the father & son in your life, they're gonna take you where you need to go but you gotta be willing to seek them for yourself. Nobody can build your relationship with Jesus Christ. It's up to you to read the bible for yourself & seek the truth; reading the word of god feeds the spirit, gives you knowledge and helps clears up the lies & deceptions of the world._

 _Time is so very, very short since things are just escalating day-to-day. Don't allow the spirit of fear to overcome you. Just draw close to the father in prayer, let go of this dying world, repent and follow Jesus. Following Jesus Christ keeps one out of sin but it also separates you from this world and that's the direction you want to go; toward the son of the most high, our savior and redeemer._

 _Take care and remember it's the love of Christ and your faith. Don't allow anyone or anything to hinder you. Forgive and let go since we all fall short."_

* * *

Palmer finished skimming the massive wall of religious bile and at first, felt a knot in his stomach. This had literally nothing to do with the story that he had written, except perhaps that this person maybe saw the political despot he had mocked as some sort of second coming. He considered blocking the user. Maybe reporting the comment. Or perhaps he could simply ignore her and just let her go on with her day.

But then he realized that at its heart, the message was, in fact, a beautiful and brave attempt to create an open dialogue about religion. How brave it must have been for this person to randomly post her views appropo of nothing on a forum certainly not designed for a riposting of her comments using a pseudonym. The bravery on display really brought a tear to his eye.

Well he would not be one to turn down this brave, brave girls invitation. And so, he set to writing.

* * *

Dearest Spiritual Sister:

I would like to thank you for your unwarranted and seemingly irrelevant reply to my story. At first glance, I admit, I did not see the beauty of your message - mainly because my story had absolutely nothing to do with the content of your review. What is generally understood on this platform is that a review is designed to be a commentary on the content of the story contained within, and offerings of constructive criticism.

But you - you brave, brave girl - chose to do something truly unique and use this platform as a way of spreading your message of hope, peace and love for all mankind. Well I feel it is my responsibility to respond to your charming message in person and in full detail.

You write that we are in the end times, and I for one agree with you. Climate change threatens to destroy life as we know it, and yet a certain political despot has removed all information regarding its existence from any government website. Evidence also mounts that this man was under the influence of a foreign power which could very likely lead to an eventual war capable of destroying all life as we know it. I would say the Doomsday Clock has already gone off, but hit Snooze to try and get just five more minutes of human existence before it has to pack it in.

You then go on to condemn those protesting in the streets, claiming that hellfire is not far away, and talking about some religious fellow named JC Hammerpants or something of that nature. I will admit that I didn't read most of your comments because I failed to see anything related to my story. But I did enjoy the general message behind it.

That message was, I presume, that your faith is so important, you can talk about it on any platform you want - no matter how inappropriate or unwarranted. I support the right to proselytize, but there is a time and place for it and that time is 3 PM on a Thursday right at the climax of whatever daytime soap happens to be airing.

In preparing my response to you, I visited your profile, hoping to interact with you on a personal level, and found more or less the exact same message as the only information on your account. I also note, with some dismay, that you haven't written any stories of your own. This is a terrible shame as your religion is rife for fan interpretation and expansion, as your message clearly proves. I remember reading this excellent fanfiction based upon your faith called The Book of Mormon and found it to be an astonishing read of superior quality. I'm certain with the perspicacity you displayed in your message to me, you could come up with something truly remarkable.

I also found that you had disabled the Private Messaging feature. But surely you wanted your words to be heard did you not? Well, I chose to respond publicly then - since I had no other choice, of course!

But I come to the main course of my letter. You see I realize that your views may be misguided, but the fire in your belly comes from a place of love and concern for your fellow man. Well I feel it is my duty to introduce you to the true word of the True God.

The Church of Bob is a fast growing religion with over twelve members worldwide. We have members in Midgar, Wutai, Corel and even Icicle Inn. What's that? You haven't heard of the Church of Bob? Well let me shine Bob's glorious light upon you, my child.

Bob represents love and peace. Born a humble plumber to a woman who conceived mysteriously out of wedlock, Bob was clearly chosen to be the Savior of all mankind. He spent his childhood back-talking his elders and reading books well outside of his education level. He grew up into a man who traveled among us, offering spiritual wisdom in exchange for free food, wine, and pleasurable company.

Ah yes, Bob was so devout a teacher that he spent entire nights with women of ill-repute and all throughout the night his disciples heard the women with in screaming out "Oh God! Oh God!" Truly he was a remarkable teacher.

Sadly the world was too horrible for a man so pure and so Bob was martyred by the people in one of the most horrific and violent acts humanity is capable of - forcing him to attend a gay conversion therapy camp.

But behold! Bob's glorious message remains my child! What does Bob stand for? Well, let me tell you. Bob represents true love to his children. Bob tell us to live life however we feel is most comfortable, and certainly wouldn't be caught dead telling somebody who to sleep with, because a deity concerning his eternal affairs on what genitals get mashed together is rather disgusting, no?

Bob tells us that women should retain rights over their own bodies, and not be slave to an anachronistic view of female roles based upon a desire to keep them subservient to men. This goes against the natural order if you think about it, because frankly there is no force on earth nearly as powerful as a pissed off woman - just ask my ex-wife.

Bob tells us that we should truly love our fellow man, regardless of their religion, because in a world full of myriad cultures and ideals, claiming to be the one and only truth falls in the face of simple logic. Surely every ideology has some truth to it. And furthermore truth is a very subjective thing. For instance, you might like pineapple on your pizza, and I might like normal, edible, human toppings.

But most importantly Bob tells us that we should mind our own fucking business and not tell others how to live their lives and use every opportunity imaginable to try and change their views. He particularly condemns those who give out religious pamphlets in place of tips, because he is not a cheap bastard.

I hope this has opened your eyes to the glory of Bob. Let Bob into your heart. I look forward to your rebuttal since you clearly want an open conversation and weren't just a coward who shot off her fly-by-night religious views in an irrelevant area where it is difficult to remove or counter.

Bob be with you.

Yours sincerely,

Palmer,  
Head of Shinra Space Divison

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 _Author's Note:_ _As a note, I was once a Mormon for the longest time, but am now an Agnostic Buddhist. Please note that this piece is primarily intended to address SS's inappropriate use of the platform and presumably narrow, fear-mongering interpretation of Christianity. It is not meant as any mean-spirited jab at religion as a whole._


End file.
